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DECEMBER 7, 2005
RETIREMENT –
INDOLENCE AND MONEY REQUIRED – by Donald Kaul
I’ve been retired
five years now (I only write this column as a hobby and to make the
world a better place) and I couldn’t be happier. When my former
colleagues ask me the secret of my success I always tell them:
Preparation.
Preparation is the
key. You can’t just go from being a Type A, seven-day-a-week workaholic
to a life of idleness. You have to prepare.
A few years before
your intended date of retirement, begin to slack off on the job. You
will be amazed how few people notice. All those years you thought you
were under-appreciated? You really were. You’re bosses never noticed
what you were doing so when you stop doing it they still won’t notice.
And if they do,
they’ll attribute it to you slowing down with age. I mean, you’re not
expecting to get a promotion in the last few years of your work-life,
are you?
I was pretty lucky
because I was born lazy and it was not difficult for me to slack off.
Even as a youngster I was always willing to let a task pass me by.
Then too, I was a
newspaper columnist. The difference between a columnist slacking off and
a columnist going full speed is barely discernible and then only to the
eye of another columnist.
A lot of people
aren’t that lucky. They are burdened with the Protestant ethic. Even
Catholics, some of them, are so burdened. They think that their place in
Heaven depends, to a degree, on their industriousness on Earth.
Which reminds me of
the Mark Twain saying: “Heaven for climate, Hell for company.”
Cultivating indolence
is only part of preparing for retirement, of course. Another big part of
it is money.
The thing you have to
remember when contemplating retirement is that you are going to need
about twice as much money as you think you will. Some say it’s because
of inflation, others blame the urge to visit Las Vegas before one dies.
Whatever the reason, a happy retirement without adequate funding is an
impossibility. There are several ways to secure retirement funds.
·
Be born
rich. Most people with a lot of money were born with a lot of money. It
may not buy happiness but it gets further up the road than poverty does.
·
Marry
someone with a lot of money. This could range from a spouse who is heir
to a chain of department stores to a person whose father owns a liquor
store. Happiness comes in all sizes.
·
Win the
lottery. I know, you keep hearing stories of people whose lives are
ruined by winning great riches in the lottery. Don’t believe it. So long
as you’re willing to forsake all of your old friends (who are now too
poor to hang around with) and get an unlisted telephone number, you
should do fine.
One of those things
should work for you. If they don’t, I understand they’re still looking
for mature people at McDonald’s.
And last of the keys
to a successful retirement is, of course, health. Fortunately, our
Republican friends in Congress have presented us with a new health care
program that includes a prescription drug benefit.
Simply stated, it
says that if you are currently over 65 and have an income of more than
$37,942 a year, adjusted for inflation, and are enrolled in both Part A
and Part B of Medicare but do not have a previously diagnosed drug
benefit you will be able to get a federal subsidy to your insurance
premiums if there are two or more drivers in the family and you haven’t
had an accident in two years.
If you make less than
$12,473 a year, however, you would be well advised to find yourself a
busy corner and sit there with a tin cup and a sign that says “Destitute
but still a believer in Intelligent Design.”
And that’s pretty
much my approach to retirement. It works for me; it should work for you.
--
Don Kaul is a
two-time Pulitzer Prize-losing Washington correspondent who, by his own
account, is right more than he's wrong. Email:
donald.kaul2@verizon.net -- A photo of Donald Kaul is available
CLICK HERE
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